I have lived my life in fear. Fear of loving too deeply. Fear of being happy. Fear of being who I am. I have feared being a friend, a daughter, a wife, a mother. I have feared being an employee and employer. I have no faith in myself because of this debilitating fear.
I once penned a letter to someone who I stated was a coward. A coward for not manning up to owning their happiness. A coward for not fighting for what they believed to be true. A coward for tucking tail and running to what was familiar because it was a safe bet and it wasn’t fearful. But, in the letter I realized that this person was not the only coward in the room. I went on to explain in the letter that I too was a coward. I too couldn’t man up to owning my own happiness. I couldn’t fight for what I believed in my heart what was 100% true and real. I kept subjecting myself to the stagnation of the familiar because there was no fear of the unknown. And because of that cowardice I lost.
I’m tired of being fearful. I am tired of being a coward. I am tired of working so hard to ensure that everyone else is happy and not leaving any happiness for me. I know, some of you reading this right now will think that I am a selfish person. I know some of you will think this isn’t the Pearl I know. People, I am still here. I have just grown up. If you know me you know that there is nothing I want more in this world than to change lives and make everyone happy. I want to shower the less fortunate with love that they can’t deny. Love that they have never felt they deserved. That is me. That is who I am. That will always be me. But, in order for me to do that I need to step away from the veil that hides the uncertainties, the unknowns and face my fears.
The loss of my son Jackson as made me realize that I have been limiting myself because of fear. I’ve quit living because I am too afraid. There is so much more in life and we will never experience it because of that fear. I’m not going to allow it any longer. Side note: Thank you friend for letting me steal the next set of words that you sent to me. I am never gonna be a fall in line kind of person. I want to forge my own path. I don’t want to stay comfortably in the stagnant now because there is no unknowns. I want to grow and change, even if change is scary. I have the potential to make a difference in this world and I will not allow that to be locked away. I am my own hero in this story. I am my own author. I call the shots. I make the moves. Everyone deserves to live and I am not living. I have only been surviving. Occupying the space between the cookie cutter shape of what has been “required” of me. But, I am so much more than that. I am a star waiting to be born. Even with everything spinning and crumbling around me. I will stand tall, I will push through. I am too damn stubborn and strong willed to let this world break me.
Are you living your life in fear? Why not go out on limb? After all, isn’t that where all the fruit is?