I can’t tell you why you’re walking through this valley
I can’t tell you just how long you’ve gotta stay
I can’t tell you why your heart feels so unsettled or when this all will change
But I can tell you there is something you can lean on
It’s a promise that won’t bend and it won’t break
And it will keep you when the future is uncertain
You’re not out of grace
I woke up this morning to this song playing over and over in my head. I’m going to be real with you, the world feels like it has a hammer to my head pounding me over and over and over. It feels like someone is holding my head under water as I fight to pull my head above for air. The battle between holding on and spinning into a bout of depression is very real.
In the last week I have written more poems than I have in a while finding the words that won’t come any other way. Poems of sadness. Poems of hope. Poems of frustration. Poems of faith. Poems of longing. Poems of love. I have found that normally during times when I am being tested that is when it starts to flow. I can’t say I’m not surprised since when all else fails, when I can’t say how I feel, when I can’t feel for something to grasp, when all I see is dark, I write. Writing to find my way out.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with writing my way out, I’ve learned something this week from all the writing and need to not drown: I’m not strong enough to get through this alone.
All week I have been reminded that God is more than enough, but I would respond inwardly with, “Ya, I know but…” I will be the first to tell you that when the waters get really choppy and there is no visible lifeguard I tend to swallow more water than I should. I lose sight of the lighthouse on the rocks and unknowingly give in to the waves crashing around me. Oh, what little faith I have to think that when the doctor gives me a bad report God hasn’t already known and is ready to comfort me, hold me, love me.
I can’t tell you I’m not scared. Because, I’d be lying. I’m afraid of the “new” diseases I have. I’ve been researching them. I’ve been looking for ways to help my body fight it. I’ve been trying to pray for healing and comfort. But, I think it’s high time I practice what I preach. To believe that no matter what, my God is more than enough. I need to stop mimicking the actions of others instead I need to believe wholeheartedly that God is in control of this situation. I need to believe that no matter the outcome, depression cannot win because it no longer has control of me.
And so, as this new month starts this will be my motto…
Be patient. Don’t give up. When God is asking you to wait, you wait. It is never a waste of time when God is involved. Just because you haven’t broken through already doesn’t mean God forgot you. It doesn’t mean that He left you behind. Instead, He is cultivating you. He is grooming you. He is building you so that when the time is right, and his timing is always right, He will open up the doors for you. And when He does, the sun will shine again.
Here’s to the sunshine. xoxo