Some series of events have led to once again a time where anxiety and fear has crippled me.

02/01-2/12.

Those days can’t come soon enough. Or end even faster.

I remember a time those feelings weren’t associated here. Or ever. And yet, here we are. And here I am trying to not drown.

TRIGGER

It starts like it always does
The wind picks up
The rain hits fast
The ground shakes hard
Real fear ripples through by body

flash backs come throughout the day
Darkness haunts me
Nightmares but not
Reality
Speaking truth has consequences

My lack of sleep has grieved me
Tremors abound
Sweat soaks pillows
Lacked appetite
Feelings of dread cannot be shaked

Moments of uncertainty
For every knock
Every phone ring
Around corners
Heart beating with every foot step

I have given you power
Peace is disturbed
A broken home
Bringing such fear
Power in which you deserve not

Protected from pain? Safety?
Temporary
Relief although
Safeguarded mind
Yet, the heart beats skip with each breath

Heat of the moment actions
An angered punch
A refusal
Excuses made
And yet, forgiveness is granted

Forgiveness for my healing
Even harassed
Even with no
Even with hearts
Healing through uncertainty

Survival of the fittest
You have won not
A survivor
Becometh me
Rising from the ashes of hate

Repurposed friendship. It is a scary thing. Especially when one chooses not to. Two weeks. I just have to remind myself that I am powerful. Not because of how scared I am but because despite the fear I went on. I’m scared. Nervous. Worried. I am not alone, and yet I feel alone. I wish things were simple again. When coffee was coffee, not cofee with a night cap. When a smile was a smile, not please lets get in each others’ pants. When no means no not a funny way to say now. I just wish this anxiousness could be understand.

You’ve done this.

xoxo