This is not a test. I repeat, this is not a test. Attention, an event of unknown origin has begun in your area. In order to ensure your safety you must perform the following actions. Deviation will result in loss of your quality of life. Do not open any external doors. Do not open any windows. Do attempt to bar any Portlandian from entering your home. If they enter, hold your breath and attempt to neutralize the target as soon as possible. Small children, impaired individuals and old humans you can’t keep from holding their breath should be abandoned. Repeat, hold your breath and neutralize the target or abandon the area. Leave your television or radio on to await the all clear. Good luck.

The above should have been the warning back at the start of the flu season in regards to the horrific season that influenza would bring. I’m dead serious too. This year has only gone through 64 days. Sixty. Four. Days. And I have been sick for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM. No joke. In the last 64 for days I have suffered from the common cold, influenza, asthma, bronchitis, influenza again, a sinus infection, an ear infection, pneumonia, then a sinus infection again.

I joked with my hanai mom when she asked how I’ve been feeling. I literally told her that I have the Portland Plague to which she responded with, “Is that for real or a joke?” Well, mom, it’s Portland real.

Portland real is probably not really a real thing. I mean, are motto is, “Keep Portland Weird,” for crying out loud. But, that doesn’t mean whatever it is that is causing everyone to go belly up for a week or so – or in my case forever – is seriously putting a damper on the fact that spring is right around the corner. Or so I hope. I haven’t seen so many people sick at once or so badly since Boise back in 2009 when the H1N1 went rapid.

And, here we are.

It starts with a tickle in your throat. Then a cough that is there but not really. You start to feel a little icky but then your body starts to fight it. You think you’re in the all clear and you wake up one morning and, WHAM! All hell has broken loose in your human body and you just can’t get out of bed. You run fevers, your body aches like a mofo, your head swells from the sinus infection, your chest is so congested that even the Nebulizer refuses to dent all that mucus. It is absolutely miserable.

What is worse? My doctor has gotten it and her doctor can’t even figure out how to get her better! She gave me the same meds as her: two different antibiotics, three different cough suppressants, steroids (inhaler and pill form), and a stupid nasal flush thing that I absolutely hate because the saline not only flows out of my other nostril as I flush one, it also flows out of my eyes. Talk about incredibly gross.

Whatever is really going on is bringing the dramatics here in the PNW, and it needs to stop. Soon. Because, spring. xoxo