I was gently reminded this weekend that I have to be kinder to myself (thank you). So, in an effort to do that figure I get a little down and dirty in figuring out who exactly I am. I need to be able to look at who I was in the past and be proud of who I’m becoming now. Honestly, I take a look at my friends who at my age (or even younger) have their acts together. While I, on the other hand, at the prime age of 32 still likes to wander. And it really isn’t because I have no goals or objectives or I just don’t know what to do with myself, Just don’t know what to do with myself! (I really hope you got that White Stripes reference) It’s not an aimless wander, more of a wander of curiosity. I don’t think that makes me bad.
But, it still doesn’t answer the question on who exactly am I.
Well, for starters my first name is Priscilla. I don’t not like Priscilla even if it’s the name my mother used when I was a pain in her side – which, was most often. I was named after Priscilla Presley, which should, in a sense, make me feel honored*. And the actual meaning of Priscilla was to bestow long life to someone. But, growing up it always felt like someone thought I was prissy and prude. For the record, I am 100% not a prim and proper kind of girl.
But, literally no one calls me that. Everyone calls me Pearl. It has always been that way. For as long as I can remember it’s always been Pearl. And that, my friends, is where knowing exactly who I am starts.
Pearls are formed when an irritant works its way into an oyster, mussel, or clam. As a defense mechanism, a fluid is used to coat the irritant. Layer upon layer of this coating is deposited until a pearl is formed. Mussels must reach a mature age, which can take up to 3 years, and only then naturally receive an irritant. Once the irritant is in place, it can take up to another 3 years for the pearl to reach its full size.
(“How Pearls are Formed”, 2017)
You see, there is a reason I don’t fit the definition of Priscilla. I’d like to believe that God knew better, took one look at me and said, “No, this one here, she’s a fighter. She will be formed into something beautiful through all her afflictions.” Okay, maybe He didn’t really say that. But, I do know that through all of life’s twists and turns, through my ugliness, through my hurt and pain I have become more than just a tiny stony pebble.
Like the pearl that is created through years of layers, as am I created through years of layers. I too, am being molded into exactly who I am intended to be. Even when I’m not kind to myself. Even when I am. Even when I push myself so hard my body gives out. Or even when I take care of myself. I wander because it is in my heart to learn and be captivated by all the beauty God has given us. And as I continue to do so I will continue to grow, to learn to love others and myself, and to become all that God has intended me to be.
It is then I will transform myself from sand to gemstone. xoxo