This morning I woke up frustrated. I didn’t get enough sleep even though my body comfortably conformed with my new mattress. I tossed and turned thinking of all the things still left undone before we move the three years of our lives from a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment into a three bedroom home. Before the day even got started all of life overwhelmed me.
Before the day even started life overwhelmed me… so on the way to daycare I poured my heart out.
On the way to my baby’s daycare I was determined to listen to worship music. I didn’t care if my son was going to throw a fit like he does every morning if he doesn’t get his song. I needed something, anything to make sense of the weariness in my bones. The constant battle has begun to take its course and is beginning to wreak havoc in my mind causing such debilitation. I think God knew and he knocked my kid out. So, on the way to daycare I poured my heart out.
The thing about being in your head, you will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head. And, in my head I could hear the very things I’ve heard all my life:
You haven’t changed.
You aren’t good enough.
He deserves better.
You’re the devil.
It’s all your fault.
You aren’t worth it.
Talk about crippling. I’ve always had to battle my thoughts, battle the attacks on my self worth. The fight has always been whether or not someone who has as damaged a past as I do could be loved. Most days I’m thankful and blessed to have people in my life who do love me. Other days I’m military crawling on the ground worn out, exhausted, devitalized as I fight those thoughts. This morning there was no crawling, just sheer and utter defeat.
I know how you’re feeling, how hard it is to take a baby step forward.
I sat in the parking lot of the daycare as the song You Say played. I could hear Laura Daigle’s words in my heart…
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I don’t know where you are today. I don’t know if you’re having a bad morning. Shout out to the lady in the car eating her candy bar way before 9a! I know how you’re feeling. I know the defeat. I know the anguish. I know how hard some days can be to just take a baby step forward. I’m here to remind you to be kind to yourself. Let God still your waters and know that with Him,
You have changed.
You are good enough.
You are deserving.
You are His child.
You have been saved by grace.
You are worth it.
Just remember, when you think God isn’t listening to your prayers He will send a reminder that He most certainly does. He will remind you that you are loved, you are strong, you have been made free. He has given you a purpose. Your worth that you question so often? Well, know that your worth is established by God. God doesn’t make mistakes, therefore, you are not a mistake. Let that sink in. xoxo