Ronald Reagan in 1988 declared the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He recognized that “when a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. [The month of October] recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world.”
There isn’t a word to describe the loss of a child because it’s indescribable. I have had multiple miscarriages. My last was last year to my son Jackson. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Jackson. I can still remember the feeling of him growing in me. The bond that he and I created. I remember seeing and hearing his heart beat. I remember seeing his face looking up at me. I also remember the very moment when something was wrong. I remember the very moment in time I felt his life leave. And then I remember the physical pain and now the mental and emotional pain. President Reagan was right, its an indescribable pain.
Over a year and I still miss my son. I still cry for the could have beens. I still touch his picture and say hello. A grieving mother who has taken every perceived recommendation to grieve and mourn the lost of her son. I will never forget Jackson, but I know he has made me stronger. My love for Jackson has made me sensitive and gentle yet tough and loving. While there is an emptiness in my heart for my son, he has filled my heart and allowed me to become a mother.
This month, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness I want you to know that it is ok for you to feel all that you feel. You’re going to feel numb, be in despair, feel as if the world is crashing on you. You’re going to feel lost, empty, and troubled. You will be angry, in shock, and guilty. My love, you have a right to feel all of that. Miscarriage is a loss of a dream. It is the loss of a planned future. And like all loss, you will grieve.
I wish I could tell you it gets better, that you won’t hurt. All I know is you will heal. You’ll always remember. You will always love that little one. All I know is God will not give you more than you can handle. Sometimes I question what He thinks I can actually handle because I swear to you it appears God thinks I’m super woman. But, I’ve made it through. I’ve got the scars to prove it. And you will too, love. You will. Just take it a step at a time. There is no time table in the healing process. No one can tell you when you should be over the loss of your baby. I know life will go on. But, until you are ready just remember, love, cherish, and cradle the memory of your baby. When you are ready you will heal. You won’t forget your baby. I promise. Just you do you boo.
To my darling son Jackson, I miss you. I love you. I don’t know how I was able to get through this year without you. But, by God’s grace I have. And by God’s grace I will continue. Until I see you again.