It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been focusing these last few weeks of making amends of sorts. I don’t know if that’s the right description of the last few weeks. I’ve been focusing on what is important in my life and fixing all that I’ve errantly broke this last year. Because of that I’ve just had no words.
But today seems different. I’m sitting in my office with things to do and my heart is heavy with the realization that the year is almost up. So many questions circle my head:
- Did I do right?
- Did I find a way to make a difference?
- Who did I hurt and how can I make that right?
- Have I let my depression get the best of me?
- Have I fallen and am refusing to get up?
- Have I found myself?
- Have I lost myself?
- Who am I really?
Then I think back about this year and all that I have had to learn.
- Forgiveness for myself even when others couldn’t forgive me. Sometimes people aren’t sorry for their actions, and that’s on them. But, holding on to anger because of what they did only hurts you, and that’s on you. Sometimes people don’t even know they hurt you. If you let them know and they blatantly disagree just forgive them and move on.
- Acceptance of my mistakes and knowing what caused them. I’ve learned that when I have done something wrong I need to admit that. I need to be sorry. Swallowing my pride won’t kill me.
- Acceptance of my depression and the importance of finding the right people that you can talk to. I won’t lie and tell you I’ve somehow found a way to be open about my feelings. I’m not an open person. I don’t want people worrying about me. But, I have found a few people in my life that they won’t judge me for the darkness. Before this year I couldn’t talk to anyone about how black it felt.
- Patience – although I still struggle with this mightily. I’m getting better every day. At least I think so. I’ve learned that good things will come. I’ve learned to always believe that something wonderful is about to happen and when it doesn’t it’ll still happen if I just look for it.
- Letting go and moving on. Not everyone is loyal. I have found that the hard way. I’m one where my loyalty runs so deep that we could be arguing for a month and I’ll still believe we could work crap out. Sometimes holding on to something does more damage then letting go. I had to understand what was worth holding on to and how to say goodbye to those that wasn’t.
- Saying no and not feeling guilty about it. You have your limits, your values, your opinions. You aren’t wrong for that. I had to learn that saying no wasn’t a bad thing. It meant I knew what and who I was.
- Being ok about standing up for myself. The best person to protect you is you because no one knows you better than you. My loves, you do you. Nothing wrong with that. It’s actually very courageous.
- Finding my voice. No one is you, and that is your power. You wouldn’t believe how important it is to have yourself heard. When I found my voice, on everything, I found me. I was able to not hide behind this facade and take the step to better me. Finding your voice is very liberating.
- Being courageous and being willing to burn bridges that were detrimental to who I was and wanted to be. Transformation can be so painful. But, transformation isn’t about falling apart. Transformation is falling into something new, something beautiful, something different. William Hannan said that, and he’s right. If something is hindering you from being everything that you can, why hold on to it?
There are so many things I wish I could have learned without going through the pricks and thistles. But, these are the lessons I probably needed to be on fire for. Whatever it was it was needed. I learned to be the best version of me. It was the best decision of 2015. I think Hemingway said it the best, “Life is unpredictable. It changes with the season. Even your coldest winter happens for the best of reasons. And though it feels eternal like all you’ll ever do is freeze I promise spring is coming. And with it, brand new leaves.” I don’t know about you but I’m excited for my new leaves, for spring to sprout new life.
What have you learned this year? How are you gearing up for the ending of the year and being the best version of you? How are you starting your new beginning?