How are you? I know we talk often enough but lately I’ve been wondering about it more. Have you found a way yet? What is it like to be where you are? To see what you see? To live how you live? Sometimes I wonder if the stroke of time can come soon enough. I used to wonder if two worlds – past and present – could ever collide. But, I know, in present circumstances they could never. Could they ever?
We had grown accustomed to sharing what has happened in our lives. All the good, the bad, the ugly. I still think, past, because I knew you I have definitely changed for good. I think of the conversations we’ve had, the adventures, the experiences and all of it has led me to where I am today. Every misstep in our path, every avoidance of debris, every mountain we had to conquer led us to the lives we live today. And I don’t regret a single moment.
I often go to places that remind me of you. The Waterfront where I’d often run away to. The park where I was stupidly courageous enough to befriend new people. The box store where things changed from the heat. Landmarks where we laughed and smiled. I don’t go to be able to hold on to you, rather because I’ve come to realize they are places I frequent as well and it’s time for me to let go of my past and move on.
Past, I have learned so much from you. Like how to not talk to strangers. Like how to fall in love with cooking again. Like how to slowly start accepting who I am. Like how to understand what I want and chase for my dreams.
I have also learned from you how things left unfinished, unsaid can haunt you. And because of that I have spent the last few months writing endings for those open-ended chapters of my past. I’ve said I’m sorries and made amends. I’ve let go what I shouldn’t have taken on. I now understand who and what I want to be.
There has been a lot of lessons learned from you. From my childhood days of running without shoes to my adult years of self medication and self-care. The learning continues today as I have stepped out after a rough few days wanting to conquer the world. You have given me the courage to do so.
I am learning from you that in order to love who I am today, I cannot hate the experiences of yesterday. Thank you for giving me those experiences. For those experiences have made me realize that I will be okay. I have the opportunity to grow into the future the best version of me. Thank you. Thank you for the hard knocks, the love, the disappointment, the happiness, the hurt, the laughter. Thank you for smoothing out the rough edges and helping me to shine. Thank you for refining the dirt and goo to help me find the pearl in my oyster.