Exactly a year ago today I was ready to kick my depression on its ass. And so, I wrote it a letter preparing for a fight. It was more of an act of faith versus an action of belief. Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is the confidence in what we hope for, even when we can’t see it. I couldn’t explain it better myself. And, today, it is with that faith and the grace of God that I can pen this letter.
Dear My Depression,
When we last spoke we were in the midst of preparing for battle. Now, I’ve watched enough movies and television shows to know what is put into preparing for battle. On each side of the line kings and queens, captains, lieutenants, commanders gather together to strategically march against their enemy. Back when Queen Elizabeth ruled England she stood before her privy council sipping tea, placing ships across coastlines and soldiers in local and foreign lands. Weapons are imported to the soldiers and warships. Those for the cause are trained to fight, to heal, to spy, to be diplomats. Food would be rationed, horses were mounted, and the flags of the nation you stood behind would be waived.
Last year, I stood hiding behind my privy council sharpening my sword for battle. I didn’t plan to battle really. Just find a way to get behind enemies lines, cripple you without fighting and be on my way. I’ve never been good with confrontation so a fight really wasn’t on the horizon for me.
As I stood in my war room it became clear a fight was imminent. I stood at the window of my castle watching the world I wanted to be a part of. As long as I allowed you to cross into my land I wouldn’t have the freedom to be happy. I wanted to be happy. That alone was a reason to fight. You see, MD, being happy was never really my intention. As long as I was satisfied in life I thought it was going to be okay. But, as I watched the cavalry stand in front of me, fighting for me, because of me until I could stand and do it with them I knew I wanted to be happy. As I watched through the window the children laughing, the flowers blooming, the sun shining I knew I needed to be happy.
And so, I marched into battle with a purpose: to seek happiness. That changed everything. When I told you I’d weaken your shield and dull your ax that was not a broken promise. When I vowed your darkness would be lightened, your voice softened, your hold loosened it wasn’t an empty threat. As we went to war this year, MD, the stench of gun powder was heavy, the clanging of metal against metal could be heard, the loss of your soldiers littered the ground before me. As we battled God restored my faith, healed my heart, renewed my strength.
Piece by piece, territory by territory I took back my life. And oh, MD, what a life this is. MD, I thank you for the marks you’ve made, the character you built. For it is now, I can live. xoxo