I didn’t intend to write today. I actually wanted to write after I return from my Women’s Retreat on Saturday. But, as I sit in front of my desk paying some bills something is stirring in me.
There is an anticipation and excitement brewing for this trip, as there is every year since I started going in 2016. But, this time seems different. A good sort of different. And I think it’s because every year God speaks to me. He moves me. Teaches me. Comforts me. Heals me. This year I know it will be no different, especially since He’s already pressed upon my heart that it was time.
Time. I believe it’s probably one of the scariest non-scary things ever. Time means so many things. Good and bad. But, in my experience, time always meant the challenges that I’ve endured in my life, the heartache I’ve had to overcome was about to make my life more meaningful than I’ve ever dreamt it would be.
A few weeks ago I was asked if I ever thought about sharing my testimony. Now, I’ve shared some on here and on my other blog. Writing about anything always seems easier for me than verbalizing it. When I was a teenager my best friend and I agreed that if I ever needed to say something (usually an apology because I’m so damn stubborn) and I couldn’t verbalize it I could write it. It was in my writing that I found a way to heal through it all. That is why I blog. Words on paper always seemed to flow.
As soon as I was asked that question I immediately knew what God was about to ask. As if on cue I was asked to do so on this trip. Of course I said no because hello stubborn. But, as I prayed about it I could hear, “It’s time.”
Time to trust.
Time to be honest.
Time to be vulnerable.
Time to heal.
Time to help heal.
One Sunday my family and I were too sick to attend church. So I watched a live streaming of Bishop T.D. Jakes. He was preaching about the time Jesus wrote in the dirt (John 8:6-11). He then said (paraphrasing), “When Jesus bent down to write in the dirt everyone speculated and continues to speculate about what He had written. I don’t know what He wrote. One thing I do know: what He was showing when He bent down. He bent down to show how low divinity would go to save us.”
As I get ready for my retreat I think of that sermon. I think back at my life, those times when I felt absolutely afraid and alone, during those times when my back was turned away from God and I remember how low He had to go to get me out. How low He had to go to keep me from drowning. How low He had to go to take my hand, look me in the eye and say, “I do not condemn you, either.”
As quick as my heart will beat as I share my story I believe it’s time I believe those words. It’s time to trust people. It’s time to be vulnerable. It’s time to allow God to lead me to touch someone. It’s time to make life more meaningful. It’s time. xoxo