February 2019 has probably been the most fragile February I’ve had since 2014. February has brought me to my knees in prayer in hopes that God would keep my heart open and that I would be comforted and given peace. I found myself in prayer because there were times I couldn’t get out of bed, when I was so lost almost feeling betrayed, when there was so much emotions coursing through me I couldn’t do anything but cry.
The beginning of the month I was quarantined for a fake measles case. That’s a story in and of itself so I’m just going to say my family and I are doing well. I ended January with being told I’d be quarantined for three weeks. To some being quarantined doesn’t sound like a bad thing. I mean you don’t have to socialize, you don’t have to go food shopping or to work, you can Netflix and PG chill whilst eating popcorn and drinking wine during the day. Quarantine, though, left me stir crazy. It also forced me to write which brought up feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness.
Towards the end of my quarantine Jeremy and I were given a surprise we weren’t expecting. A joy that would overflow any husband and wife. Even with two one year olds in our home having another little one excited us. Our incredible news was short-lived as God said He needed the little one in Heaven more than He needed him on earth. Our hearts shattered. I spent the day in so much tears. So much pain. I slept and was angry. Everything in me felt dead. I questioned who I was. I questioned why I was here.
As I struggled with that loss I felt the loss of something else. When I found out this news I felt like I was punched in the stomach and I couldn’t take a deep breath. God was leading part of my tribe, my family, somewhere else. As I listened to that announcement I felt a deep stirring in me. A lot of emotions had to be faced. I kid you not, Jeremy and I have never prayed so fervently as we did the last 14 days of February. We prayed for comfort, guidance and peace. We prayed for hunger, compassion and truth. We prayed for an open heart, open eyes and kindness.
I have always been a woman of faith. I may have fallen short so many times but my belief that God would do anything for me never wavered. Even still, my husband and I have this problem where we start with our eyes on God and before we know it we have our eyes somewhere else and we’re tripping over our own feet watching in slow motion as we fall. As hard as February was we never stopped praying and seeking where God was leading us.
That has been the biggest difference from this single month versus the last 35 years. Even if we hurt with our circumstances we never stopped asking God for clear eyes, open hearts, peace and comfort. While I’ve always known that prayer was the best weapon against trials I never really truly grasped it in my life until this past month. Prayer, it helps a broken heart, a confused mind and a weary soul.
I look back at the last month and realize that I got through it because of prayer. I got through the darkness of another miscarriage because of others praying for me until I could pray for myself. I got through being stuck at home because of praying for patience. I didn’t lead by emotions when I felt left out and alone because of praying for truth and peace. Mother Teresa said that prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at his disposition, and listening to his voice in the depths of our hearts.
Lord, may we never forget that our lives are in your hand. May we continue to listen to your voice. May we continue to seek truth. May we continue to walk where you lead.