Every part of me has wanted to write the last three months but every part of me just couldn’t. I could say a lot had to do with the hard work I’m putting in to get my nonprofit chapter of National Angels up. But, in reality, it’s been the constant falling and getting up and falling and getting up that has kept me away. Not that there was depression, though I struggled with the battle of win or lose. I simply chose to focus every last energy I had on my knees.
March closed out with the end of a time where my entire world began to change and grow. We had decided after much back and forth that we’d leave the church that brought us back to God. We worried a lot about this decision. We talked a lot to each other, to God, to others outside of the situation. Could we do this and stay focused on God? Are we going where He is leading us? Is anyone else factoring in our decision? Why exactly are we doing this?
In April I was let go from my job. I was told that I wasn’t the right fit for the job and that I should be a foster mom instead. If I had man parts that would have essentially castrated me. I lost my job because I had a sick foster child that needs me in his short 21 months on this earth. But, because he is not a child born of my flesh they made if feel as if my commitment to him should not come before them. I fell often in April. I gave God every feeling, every emotion, every pain.
May began with a lot of fear. We began to see the money in our accounts dwindle. We had to use the money we receive for our kiddos to live. We went into fostering with the comfortableness of never needing the money we received for them to live. We, instead, used it for toys, lots and lots of books, diapers, clothes and anything they basically wanted. People said with my background I’d have no trouble finding a job. I think my knees have calluses from spending so much time telling God I was afraid and that those people were wrong.
The last three months have been equal parts fear, prayer, falling, trusting and a whole bunch of facing all the insecurities that came with the last three months.
Here is why I’m picking up my pen today. During the last three months as I questioned my self-worth, battled and faced my rejections and cried all the tears I could all I could hear was, “Begin again.”
Begin again. Lord, I just left a church that I invested everything to go where you led me. Begin where?
Begin again. Okay, God but seriously I bled and shed tears for this company. Begin, how?
Begin again. If the rejection wasn’t bad enough last month, Lord, this one hurts down to my core. Begin, what?
Begin again. Really, Lord, my life has literally been shredded. Begin, NOW.
When my boy is really sick, and he can’t push past the fever any small fall he will roll on his back and whimper as if the small fall has made it incapable for him to get back up. Mind you, this more is resilient and smiles through surgery and hospital stays. He stays there until we reach out a hand, dust him off and say, “You’re ok. Go play.”
God has been doing a stirring in my spirit. Begin again? As I sit back I realize if I had just listened I would have seen His outstretched hand and heard Him say,
“Pearl, you need to grow to Me. You’re ok. Stand now.”
“Pearl, your little charges are a gift. You’re ok. Love on them.”
“Pearl, they rejected me also. You’re ok. Keep your head up.”
Too often when the world gets off kilter we need to be helped up, dusted off and told that we’re okay. We need to get our boo-boo kissed and told to play. We need to be hugged and told that we are loved. We see things falling and we become like my son as he lies on his back whining, “Help up please.” But, in truth, when the world has thrown a multitude of stumbling blocks on our path God is actually putting things together just the way He wants it and all we need to do is stand and begin again.
For the love of self, I’ve learned that falling strengthens my stand. xoxo