Depression doesn’t get talked about a lot. It’s almost taboo. No one wants to claim they have it. Nor does anyone claim they know someone who does. But, it is so prevalent in our society. Depression is defined as “a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason” (dictionary.com).
Today I want to tell you a secret. A secret that no one but maybe two people in my life are completely aware of.
I suffer from depression.
I can’t tell you when it begin. I want to say it was around the time I lost my dad back in Feb 2014. I want to say it worsened when I miscarried five months later. Whenever it started and how it started doesn’t matter. What matters is knowing I have it. Knowing I have it helps the people I am closest to love and care for me on the days I have no explanation of the darkness.
Before you judge me know this “major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older, in a given year” (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun; 62(6): 617-27). If you don’t believe in this disorder that is your choice but don’t hate on the people who know all to much how real it is. I don’t write this to you to justify my dark days I write this in the hopes that those who secretly battle depression know they are not alone.
On the eve of my miscarriage I come to you. I’m not entirely sure why I’m sharing this with you. Maybe its merely to tell you that you aren’t alone and that I understand. I understand straddling the line of giving up and seeing how much more I can take. I understand waiting until darkness to pour my heart into my pillows only to smile the following morning as if nothing happened. I understand every emotion and thought is a battle and breathing becomes a war. I understand feeling like a disappointment. I understand the anxiety you live with every day not knowing if today will be the day you crumble.
I am here to tell you today your feelings are valid. No matter what anyone says, they are valid. You don’t have to understand everything. You don’t have to know why you feel the way you do. You don’t have to know how it started. All you need to know is that you can’t give up. I am rooting for you. There are others out there rooting for you. A certain darkness is needed to see the stars. Come and see the stars with me.