My Dearest Jackson,
You would be six months today. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you. Do you know that I tell you good morning every day? I see the last picture of you and I realize you don’t have to struggle through this world and somehow I am almost comforted. You’re up there with all those that have gone home. It’s somehow freeing knowing that Gramps, Nana and Daddy are up there with you making sure you laugh and are happy. Can I be completely honest and tell you that I’m jealous?
I don’t think I have ever told you about the time we had together. I was sick and summed it up to the fact that it was just a Pearl thing. You see, Mama doesn’t have the greatest health so I just play off a lot of things. I took a test to see what was going on. And because I was late – which wasn’t abnormal for me – the doctor wanted to make sure everything was ok. Dr. Val called me and told me I had a kidney infection. I kinda figured that but then she said something else. She told me my hCG levels were elevated. That is when I got dizzy. There was no way. It felt like time stood still as I waited for her to clear up what she was telling me. She said, “Pearl you’re pregnant.”
I hung up the phone with her and cried. Jax, it wasn’t out of happiness. And, I’m sorry for that. I should have immediately been happy to have you. But, it was out of fear. I was scared to do it all over again. You see, you have five other brothers and sisters in heaven with you. I’m sure you have already met them. I never really got to bond with them like I did with you. I didn’t want you to be with them. I wanted you to be here with me and your dad.
At first we didn’t tell anyone. Well, that’s not the complete truth. We told Mama’s best friend. And your grandmas. And my two bosses. So, ya, we told people. But, we only told them because we were scared and we wanted prayers for your protection.
Every morning I would cradle you. Daddy and I would pray for strength and protection for you during my day. Then, I would sing to you “With Arms Wide Open.” Then, I would get ready for work and throughout the day I would talk to you. If you haven’t figured it out by now, Mama talks a lot. You and I would pray together through the day, praying for strength and health. Then, at the end of the night, daddy and I would pray again and I would cradle you and fall asleep.
After three months we allowed ourselves to hope. To dream of holding you. To plan the nursery. To prepare for Grandma Kimi to make our home her second home. It became exciting. We dared to dream. God had other plans. God took you home. In my opinion it was too soon. But, I trust He knew what was best – even if I don’t agree with it because I still grieve. I tell you this because, Jackson, there is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. And try as I might, I still miss you. How is that possible when I’ve never met you? But, I do. I grieve for all the tomorrows that will never be. I grieve because God and everyone else now hold you instead of me. I grieve for the first step, the 18 years, the graduations, the wedding and grandkids. I grieve for the life I envisioned for you.
I promise you Mama won’t give up. I want to but I know that it wouldn’t be something you want. I know you’re safe and happy and healthy. That’s all I ever wanted for you even if I wanted you to be all of that here with me. I continue to fight and count the days when I get to see you and hold you in my arms. I just want you to know Mama thinks about you ever day. I feel you in the wind. I hear you in the rain. I see you in the sunrise. I know that is you comforting my heart. And I thank you.
I love you my son. Always.