Sometimes circumstances happen that make you evaluate everything you know to be true. Sometimes things will happen that causes you to question every ounce of who you are. During those times you feel broken and lost. You feel inadequate and you just don’t think you’re strong enough to endure yet another storm. During those times something may happen that causes you to have feelings you never thought you’d have again. And then suddenly what you thought was a safe world doesn’t seem so steady.
All those feelings can be so overwhelming and, honestly, scary. When feelings of the past just come back at you and your thought of having it handled is no longer there, it can sometimes be difficult to cope as you’re anxious for a sense of normalcy again. It’s like a battlefield in your mind of something so familiar yet so atrocious. Something you know you had no control over and yet there you are in the middle of it again feeling helpless. And you’re doing everything you can to hold on, to push, to climb out wanting the darkness to get farther and farther away.
I know that all of these feelings have taught me one thing: how to be a survivor. Perhaps that is why I take so little time to care for myself. I have gotten so used to adapting to the change of other people’s moods and behaviors in an effort to protect myself that it stopped me from actually realizing my heart’s burden needed to be lightened too. I started a new project this weekend. And the phoenix came up. A good friend disagreed with the name Phoenix. But, I got to thinking I can relate to the mindset of a phoenix. You see, a phoenix, before it can rise it first must become a fiery inferno of itself. And when it does rise, I was reminded that it becomes a “breathtaking mosaic of the battles it has won.”
Today it hit me. Life has dealt me some pretty rough blows. The storms are never quiet or calming. They’re often thunderous, wreaking havoc in my world. I get pushed to the limit hearing that voice tell me I’m not going to make it and that this is the storm that finally breaks me. And then I am reminded when I have done all that I can to stand, all I need to do is stand. How can I fear this darkness I feel when I know that God will always rise me out of the ashes? I will fight off my demons, I will be burnt but I will not be defeated. There is always a way.
Like the phoenix I will leave a trail of my fairy dust everywhere I go because I won’t let my past, my feelings of doubt hold me back. I will rise, be the most authentic me that I can, be fearless in my pursuit of happiness, and enjoy the opportunity to make a change. What I have to offer isn’t insignificant. And I just have to remind myself that. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time you did the same.
Wanna stand with me and rise?
Happy Leap Year y’all – xoxo
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