I may be throwing myself a pity party. But, the beauty of this blog is I’m writing it because not only am I hoping I am reaching out to someone who can relate and needs the encouragement, but I’m doing this because during one of the roughest patches in my marriage, I found a way to feel again. So, here I am continuing to write because whether it is being read or not, I’m using the only thing I know that allows me to feel.
Last year I wrote a strong woman series. During that time I saw the only life I have ever known fading. Sure, a lot of it was from me. But, a lot of it wasn’t. I got a lot of flack from that series because apparently people have issues with me trying to build myself up that way. That series wasn’t me trying to slyly say that I could walk away unscathed. It wasn’t saying that I was better off. The series was my silver lining to tell me that I can be fierce. Sometimes I forget that. Forget what it takes to be a woman, to fight through all the ups and downs in life. Sometimes I don’t believe I can handle anything else that can come my way and I just want to give up. That series was something that was created so I could see that as black as I feel my heart is, I still had one. As broken as I was, I was still strong. I wrote it as a reminder that I am the storyteller of my life, I needed to own my world.
Two days ago my life felt like it was spinning out of control. Suddenly all at once the pain I’ve been hiding seemed to hit. Suddenly the incidents that have occurred the last two weeks became overwhelming. I laid there as my biggest failure stood in front of me taunting me, proving to me that while others could find that joy I could not. I was suddenly made very aware of how my failure was viewed by others and I just couldn’t find the strength to push even just an inch.
I don’t have encouragement today. I’m actually looking for someone to help me. I need to find me a silver lining. If I don’t I will contemplate giving up, I’ve already contemplated it truthfully. And I can’t do that to y’all, but most importantly to myself. So I’m going to admit everything now. I’m angry. I’m angry for once caring so deeply for the person who promised would never hurt me. I’m angry at the person for having the joys of the only thing I want. I’m angry for people not believing. I’m angry for the hovering. I’m angry for the thoughts of me being frail. I’m angry for having to be okay and strong for everyone because it is required of me. I’m angry of being seen as the glue because I’m not. I’m just a girl trying to stop from swallowing the water long enough to learn how to swim. I have floated for so long and it has allowed me to get as far as I have. But, floating won’t cut it anymore. The water has become fierce, dark, raging with so much pain, anger, hurt, depression, mistrust, and loss. I am here to admit that I am battered and broken by this raging sea of life.
There are all these quotes about a women being strong because they are able to continue with all the doubts, fears, and failures that they have to face. Quotes about a woman building others up because she knows what its like to be torn down. Quotes about women who push away love because of their flaws. I love those quotes because reading them has helped on occasion to keep me pushing. But, none of them talk about actually being broken. I’m tired of people pointing out my failures. I’m tired of them thinking what they say is going to help because it doesn’t. How do I fight the tiredness and anger when there is nothing left in me to fight? Help me find my silver lining because I want to be strong but the alternative is less of a fight. How does one become brokenly strong?