Late should be my middle name. I didn’t get to work until 10a. To be fair, while I would have been at least a half hour late, I opted to run errands instead. Unlike yesterday, I couldn’t find a way to motivate myself to be efficient. So, I did the best I could. I felt like a robot today trying to feel human. And then 4p hit.

Why is it that my doctor always has to call me at the end of the day? Better yet, why is it that doctors will say, “Your final test results are in and I think you need to come in and see me.” No, how about you be a good doctor and just lay it on me. Come at me, bro. I got this. Until I don’t.

Another day of test results
I can’t seem to catch a break
God can you hear me?
There’s not much more that I can take
The hands of the ocean grab hold
Entangling me, dragging me under
The arms of the crashing waves
Shake my core like thunder
God, help me to breathe
I can’t seem to gasp enough air
The darkness is surrounding me
To my knees I go to prayer
Are you listening, God?
Shelter me in Your arms
The clouds are rolling in so quick
They intend to do me harm
The rocks of the reef they cut me
The buoy I see no more
I need Your peace to calm me
Alone I cannot win this war
The fog is so dense, like smoke
The light from the house can’t be seen
God, I know You haven’t
But it feels like You’ve forsaken me
The rain begins to pelt my face
As I struggle to stay afloat
Tangled in the rocky reef
The salty water burns my throat
The stormy waters You can calm
So calm whats left of me
Crashing from the hurricanes of doubt
Drowning in the sea
You said You’d never leave me
So now I beg You for reprieve
Anchor me to Your ship
A mustard seed of faith, but I believe
Another day of test results
My body is shaken to its core
Lord, You are my rock
Please, comfort me once more

I know this poem isn’t reassuring to anyone tonight. Nor does it make a difference in this world. Nothing about it shouts positivity. But, if there is one place I can be honest, it is here. Amongst the words, its reasons and feelings coming together so effortlessly. It is the sound of my keyboard clicking away that makes me realize that it isn’t over. The cursors movement across the whiteness helps me to remember that my story isn’t over yet.

I can only tell you that I am uncertain about what lies ahead. I feel like I’m drowning. And I am struggling to hold onto the life preserver ring, holding onto all the faith I can muster in what seems right now as a never ending tunnel. I know He is right here, carrying me through this. I can feel Him. But, my mind and heart never seem to agree with each other.

I’ve only got to surrender. xoxo