This pass summer when everything was black I didn’t think I was going to find my way out of it. I had an amazing Mother’s Day Weekend and then the world tumbled, no, my world avalanched downhill after that. Someone had lit a light and scorched the ground around me. I felt like I was drowning, being clung by the quicksands of a world that wasn’t fair. I couldn’t breathe, suffocating from what I assumed were injustices. The air was so heavy that it pounded on my chest night and day. I was able to hide it from people at work and acquaintances with a smile big enough to light up the auroras but dim enough to barely light my heart.
During that time I found nothing of value. I walked around in a daze always crying in the shadows because the weight on my shoulders were too heavy for me to bear alone. I would often find myself in my husband’s arms in tears for no other reason than I couldn’t breath. He, like others, would tell me to focus on something small, anything that lifted my heart. For him I would pretend because I knew it would hurt him when I fell apart at night. So I pretended until it wasn’t pretend anymore.
I remember one of my dearest friends asking me what I’m thankful for. Every day she would ask. Every day she would help me focus on something good. Even on days when she had a hard time focusing because her world was heavy on her shoulders she pushed for me to be thankful for something. Even though we barely talk now I look back on those conversations and I am thankful for it, for her, because even if I didn’t want it they helped.
It was the little things that they did, that others in my life did, that helped me stay strong. It was the little pushes that made me hold on. And then, suddenly I was able to do it on my own.
I began to find little positive things in negative situations to keep me pushing through:
Though it is my last day of my weekend I have church.
It is only Wednesday night but those kids will make me laugh.
I had a nightmare but I awoke up in Jeremy’s arms.
I’m stuck in traffic but I got to sing along with one of my favorite songs on the radio.
I have to work but I got to see the sunrise on my way in.
As I trained my mind to find the little things to be thankful for in the not so favorable circumstance I began to feel lighter. I began to find a way to love myself and really smile. I was able to sing and enjoy it. I was able to hug my dogs and not break. I was able to dance again.
Then I realized the little things weren’t so little in life. I realized that even the little things – a wink from a stranger, an inside joke with your best friend, coffee with a coworker, kisses from your dog, hugs from your spouse, a surprise lunch, a delicious breakfast, the sunrise over the river, a sky full of stars – all add up. Finding those little joys in your life help heal even the deepest wound. When I sought to find the little things I began to be thankful in life, to find happy again.
All of this isn’t the secret to life. But, dear friend, it sure was the key for me. xoxo