I planned to write something witty and funny and completely out of character for my last post of the year. But, instead I want to talk about fear.
Yesterday I awoke with a heavy uneasiness. I couldn’t explain it. My body just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t getting sick, which was surprising because my husband was sick, I had hung out with a friend who was sick, and at work I can hear sniffles from the offices. As I was trying feverishly to actually be on time for work fear hit.
I can’t explain why, what, or how. I just knew deep in my gut something felt off. I immediately reached out to my husband, “Luga? My nerves are bothering me. I think that’s what it is. I just don’t feel right but it’s not like sick.”
“What you feeling?” I could hear his guard immediately come up because he was already at work and he worries about me all the time. “Praying for you love. Speak against it.”
“I don’t know. Just like an uneasiness.”
“Just be cautious today, love. Just take it easy. I’ll be praying and you pray as well. Love you with all my heart.”
I told him I loved him too and continued to get ready. I put on some old school Christian gospel music for good measure. I began to worry because I couldn’t shake the feeling. On my way in I drove on the far right lane keeping a defensive driving mindset. When I got to work I parked in the closest stall, took a breath, and made sure there weren’t lurkers around before I got out.
You might think all of that is crazy. But, I’m a paranoid person in general. When I see someone – anyone, man or woman – passing my car while I am in it I will stealthily lock my doors. When I am out shopping alone in the early morning or late evening I have my keys between my fingers just in case. I keep a bat with me as I move around my house if I am home alone. I despise darkness so much that I sleep with a night light until my husband comes to bed. My husband calls me his cabaldy (ca-bald-ie). Essentially his little scaredy cat. But, true nonetheless.
All of this got me thinking about fear. According to Psychology Today, “Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we didn’t feel it, we couldn’t protect ourselves from legitimate threats.” (Lents, 1991) Most often though we fear something that is nonsequential to life. We often fear things that will not cause harm or cause death. We fear the unknown so we pull back and stop living. We overanalyze the consequences so we miss an amazing opportunity. We hesitate long enough to watch the parade pass us by without being able to enjoy the floats. Why?
Why are you so fearful?
I can cite a number of things as to why I’m scared. I have past experiences that go as far back as 16 years ago and as close to 11 months ago that would say I have reason to fear. I simply need to only watch the news to see death, blood, hate. I can be watching my husband play COD and hear loathing in voices from the other side wishing to bring fear. But, fear isn’t something that God applauds. He condemns fear and promises Comfort from it…
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and let it not be afraid. (John 14:27)
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)
The Lord is my light and my salvation, of whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalms 27:1)
He promised comfort in so many different ways and yet we fear.
Fear. After yesterday I am tired of living in fear. I get it, there are times we need to be fearful. But, not writing my novel because I’m afraid of what others may think is unnecessary fear. Not saying no in my life for fear of being unliked is unnecessary fear. Not finishing a course I am taking because what if at the end I will still suck is unnecessary fear.
We worry so much about unnecessary things and by doing so we allow fear to paralyze us from being the best versions of ourselves. We are afraid to walk an unknown paths because we are too afraid but we forget that that very path is the path to something exciting. We allow fear to make us forget how strong we are, how strong in God we are. We allow fear to take hold of our dreams, our hopes, our lives and makes us fail.
Well, no more.
I’m letting it be known that on December 31, 2016 I looked fear in the eyes and said great things never came out of comfort zones. I anticipate and am optimistic in 2017. I will not stand and watch fear cripple me from soaring.
Will you? xoxo