It has been a day. A week. I’ve been trying to shake depression off. It has been a while since I’ve really been affected. During the holidays it was a little hard but I was able to shake it off. But, this week has been a little harder. 

Last week I talked to my husband about how I was feeling – emotionally and mentally. I look back at last year and I see so much change. I told my husband I’d be able to make it through February without a doubt. I told him I could make it through the first week of February as well as I did the holidays. And then today happened.

I thought about our adoption journey.

I thought about mPact starting up again.

I thought about how happy I’ve been.

And then the world spun out of control. My heart began to beat out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I got dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. So many questions swirled around in my head.

What if I didn’t really allow my heart to be healed?

What if I pushed it all down and that’s why I feel this way?

What if I’m using mPact as an excuse to say I’m healed?

What if I’m just lying to myself?

What if I really can’t make it through February 2nd?

I ended up leaving work with anxiety kicking my butt. I pulled out of the driveway at work in tears. My chest was so tight. My body began to shake. When I got home I sat down and began to write.

I wish my world could stop being uneven just this once. 2017, don’t give up on me. xoxo

Unsettled Heart

The sun has begun to set
The stillness has come
Nightfall brings the darkness
The heart becoming numb

I look into the night
The stars illuminate the sky
I’m trying to lean on Your grace
Of Your love through the why’s

A star shoots across the horizon
I gaze at Orion’s Belt
I’m searching for Your mercy
To cover the heartache that I’ve felt

The stars shiningly twinkle
As if hiding the perfect secret
Like the night You hold me
The life of one so weakened.

The chilled night wraps me
Trying to discourage my walk
Lord, get me through the night
I know we’ve had this talk

The moon is shining brightly
Like the hint of light on broken glass
As the sun begins to rise
The sadness You unmask

I’m determined I refuse
To be discouraged with fear
I’m desperate for You
Lord draw me near

The thoughts in my heart
Are unsettling at best
I long for more to this
God, I’m such a mess

Still my heart’s thumping
Calm my weary soul
Help me to lean on You
Let me give You control

Turn my night into day
Happiness from disgrace
Settle my heart and mind
Give me peace and grace

While the sun begins to set
And gives into the night
Lord comfort my ache
In Your tender arms tonight