I missed my post yesterday but wanted to make sure I keep the at least twice a week posts going. It’s been a little hard (really, it’s just being lazy) to do it so I’m forcing myself to now. As I sat this morning trying to stay awake in yet another day of slow activity I thought about grief recovery.
Grief is defined as a deep sadness due to loss. Usually society will associate grief with the loss (death) of a loved one. And, while that is true, grief hits us in other different losses in life. Losses include: broken relationship (friendships, family, lover), divorce, major health change, financial changes, sexual assault, moving, death of a pet. I think you get the picture here. I read that grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Sounds about right.
And what about recovery? Recovery is defined as a return to a normal state of health, mind, and/or strength. It means to feel better. To gain strength. Recovery means taking your circumstances and owning it instead of it owning you. It’s about finding meaning after the loss.
Yesterday I was asked, “If you were to run into these people in real life, what would you want to say?”
You know, my life has had a series of losses, a series of close losses, and a bunch of wins. I think most people can share that sentiment. In this particular question the loss was so severe that it changed the outlook in my life. It changed who I wanted to be, what I wanted to become. It caused me to fight for nearly half of my life to recover.
When I was asked this question I could have paused to really think about it. I could have answered with anger and hatred and loathing. I could have answered the way my dreams have always made me feel. But, instead I said, “I’d like to tell them I forgive them.” There was no hesitancy there. I said the only thing that was in my heart.
You see, loss has no bounds. It is infinite. What I have learned the last ten years is that recovery is not finite either. Though society sometimes makes it feel that way. Recovery isn’t restricted by means, by the area you live or the education you have had. Recovery is being able to breathe again. In my case, recovery is being able to forgive, to be able to not be a victim no more.
I often talk on this blog about the importance of getting up. Of healing. Of taking that single breath. I have felt like a hypocrite telling y’all that and the two people who have probably hurt me the most I have jailed up. I have not been able to realize they can no longer hurt me. Today, I want to change that. Today, I want to take that next step of complete healing.
I know you don’t read my blogs. But, I know people who do, who are still in contact with you. Is this the right thing to do? I really can’t say. But, I know, I’ve had great loss in my life. I’ve had betrayals, desertion, and regret because of what happened. All of those losses I was able to forgive and get past. You, on the other hand, have left scarring on my heart that has undoubtedly changed us all.
I don’t know where you are, what you’ve become. I don’t know if you’ve ever said you were sorry. I don’t know if what happened changed you for the better. Where ever life has taken you, I want you to know that I forgive you for what happened. For all of it. Even if you can’t forgive me. Or you aren’t sorry. It’s time that I took my life back, completely. It’s time to get rid of the nightmares, the anxiety, the depression that you’ve caused. I know you can no longer hurt me. I am different from who I was two decades ago. I am smarter. Stronger. More secure. And because of that I know, even if you vowed to never accept my forgiveness it will always be there. Because, I do. God put His only Son on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins, even when I was unworthy of it. I can lead by His example and forgive you too.
Readers, thank you for bearing with me as I got this out. I wasn’t sure where I was going with this. All I knew was there was something I needed to say. Please know this message is not intended as a cunning way for me to manipulate you into thinking grief, the recovery of grief, and forgiveness is what you are needing in your life. That is not for me to say, but for you to feel out. I only know that it was needed in mine. This was meant for two specific men in my past and myself. It was time to move on.
As always, I wish you well. xoxo