I’ve been thinking a lot about the past lately. I have that tendency about this time of year. Three events dominate the first part of February and it’s not easy to not see them. Today is my birthday (and no this isn’t a shameless plug to wish me a happy birthday). Today also is sandwiched between what should have been the birthday of my son and the death of my dad. Those two events were depressing enough for me to stop celebrating who I am for three years. I lived in pain, a broken heart, unable to breathe because I missed two of the most important people of my life.This year, that tendency of pain hasn’t reared its ugly head. Sure, I’ve still thought about them. I’ve thought about Jackson so much the last three weeks. As for my dad, he’s always on my heart and mind. But, there has since been a difference.
Today, I woke up with joy and excitement. I’ve been given another year on this earth to enjoy the world and people around me. And, I want to take full advantage of it. My past is my past. I won’t dwell on it the way that I used to. Will I think about it? Ponder it? Wonder about the could and should haves? Of course. I’m human and that’s natural. There are things in my past that I see now that I could have said or done differently. There are things in my past I wish I could fix. Things I regret. But, ultimately, it has always been about falling forward not back. It has always been about learning from the past, growing from the past.
And, that is what I have chosen today. At the ripe age of 34 I’m looking forward to this year. To be able to continue to make amends and grow into the woman of God I was always intended to be but too damn stubborn to be. Today, moving forward, my hope is to continue to love with all my heart, serve selflessly, pray ceaselessly, tend to matters of my heart and mind, and continue to live in the now.
That isn’t to say I don’t miss my past. I do. Every single day. Always wondering how the past is fairing. But, at the same time, I also believe that whatever the stumbling block, if we are not willing to stumble over it there can be no growth. My growth in the last year has brought healing. Healing on my heart, my mind, my soul. I never knew how very important that was until I was forced to do it.
So, I leave you with this. Written by Chloe Frayne in Letters, and why they’re all for you.
Every step you take
is a victory.
Make sure you’re fighting
the right battles.
For the record, if it isn’t the right battle there would be no rope. There is a lot of rope dangling.
To the moon and back, xoxo