Nothing seems to work. It’s like I’m stuck in some time warp trying to be the girl I used to be and the woman I want to be. How has it become so black and white? Who I was then and who I am now are night and day. But how? How can I take a girl who was timid and shy and not a people pleaser to someone who wants to just be and change the world and be happy? How does one get so stuck. Stuck on auto pilot waiting for someone to take the reigns.
I feel like that is where I am. Sitting on auto pilot waiting for the freedom to fly on my own. Maybe going to work in Boise will help. A week away from the hustle and bustle of what has become my life here in Portland will allow me to find those wings. Maybe a week away will allow me to find the independence I once had. Maybe a week away will allow my heart to settle. I don’t know. All I know is I don’t want to be on auto pilot any more.
I’m tired of having an obligation hanging over my head. I’m tired of having to pretend I am someone I am not. I am tired of lying to myself as I lie to others about who I am and what I want to be. I’m tired of worrying about hurting everyone else as I sit here hurting myself more than anyone else.
All I want is to be happy. To be allowed to be who I am. I want to be able to talk about my passions without being afraid it’s boring people. I want to talk about what is in my heart without being laughed at. I want to be able to feel like someone wants to get to know me. The real me. Ask me questions and want to get into this so complicated brain. I want to feel loved and special. I just want what I had. I miss it. I don’t want to be stuck. I don’t want to be jailed. I don’t want to be like anyone else, like people walking the same path. I want to make my own path. I want to carve up the grass and make a beautiful design that touches the world. I want to be able to make art with my life and my love. I want to hear the music in the raindrops and passing cars. I want to dance to the sound of the whistling wind. I want to learn from the dangling willows and running streams.
I’m not the same and I just wish you saw that. I wish you understood me like you used to. I want it to be us against the world but that will never happen without you knowing who I am. Without allowing my wings to spread and fly into the coloring skies. I don’t want to be on auto pilot, taxying the runway knowing full well I will never take off. I want you to take off with me. Because I will do anything to take off. And I’m afraid you won’t be willing to cone with me and that will cause it to never be the same again.