I spoke on my other blog about the many different dreams that I have had and continue to aspire for. I guess you can say I am a dreamer. I always have a goal to reach, something to work toward, something to look forward to. My dreams, my goals, my aspirations are the only things that somehow keep the fire in me burning to push on.
One of my biggest dreams is to have a family.
Many people don’t know that I suffer from infertility. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Honestly, I really don’t want to go into detail what PCOS is, so here’s info from the Mayo Clinic.
See, I have been married for 11 years. In 11 years I have been pregnant six times. In 11 years I have had six miscarriages. In 11 years I have had six different heartbreaks. If you follow my blog you know last July I miscarried my son Jackson. He was the hardest loss of my life because he was the one that was real, the one that made it through the first trimester, the one that I could feel growing in me.
People have told me that I have been given this life because I am strong enough to live it. Little do they know. I can’t tell if my infertility issues are making me stronger or if it’s killing me. I think it’s the latter. Since the loss of Jackson I’ve never felt so alone. I don’t have trouble congratulating people who are pregnant. It’s just hard. Example, a friend just gave birth to her first son Lucas Tyler. I’ve not met the baby yet, I want to because I know Alekz will be an incredible mother, but I’m afraid of the feelings it will bring up in me. Selfish right? Side note: If you are reading this Alekz, girl, congrats. I’ve been told Lucas is an incredibly adorable baby and mama is glowing. I’m incredibly happy for you.
I just want one thing, to have a family of my own. I don’t think I will ever get to feel the miracle growing in me again. I can’t tell you how much hurt that brings. It’s hard to sit and watch everyone’s dreams come true and watch yours slip farther and farther away from reality. Watching my reality slip away has changed me. Pain does that to people. I don’t think I will ever recuperate from it. When you come out of the storm, you aren’t going to be the same person as you were when you walked in. That’s the purpose of the storm.
I know this post is a little heavy guys, sorry. I just felt people should know and understand that infertility changes so many things. Infertility isn’t for the faint of heart. Infertility isn’t in my head. It is real. So very real. I want to bring awareness in the middle of this vent session and pity party…
This post has jumped all over. I just want to say all of this isn’t easy. I just want one thing and I will never get it. I think thats the elephant in the room that has stopped the growth or the healing. Just one thing. I’ve never asked for much. And I beg for this one and get a resounding no. I understand the pain. And I hate that I don’t accept it. Maybe if I accepted it healing could begin?
Whoever I am talking to today, I feel your pain. Like you the pain of infertility has taken its toll and it hurts. It’s the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones. Just remember, hardships often prepare ordinary people to an extraordinary destiny (CS Lewis). To the hurting, I pray that God touches your heart and takes your pain. I pray that you, like me, find people who understand your pain and support you in everything you do. I am here if you need me too. Sometimes the people around you don’t understand your journey. It’s okay, they don’t need to. It isn’t their journey to understand. But, there are people out there who do. Like me. Life will continue to knock us down but we mustn’t give up. To all you woman who ache like me, if you hold on to my hand I promise you we will get through it together.