I had this grand idea that the start of 2016 would be the epitome of what my year would be as a whole. So far, I had to take my beautiful Hybrid Fusion into the shop because she just got sick and they don’t know whats up. I called out for the first time because my body put itself in turmoil. I got lucky enough to spend ringing in the new year in a fitful sleep around 730pm thanks to my body feeding me delirium pills as I posted a high fever for the second straight night. I spent 01/01/16 hoping I’d feel better so asked my hubby to take me out only to return within 30 minutes because my body basically said, “Awww hell no b we ain’t about to do this.”
Bad luck comes in groups. But, there was an upside. No, really, there really was. A week ago I stopped having my dreams. Dreams that would wake me in night sweats, heart beating, out of breath, tears in my eyes. I would lie awake replaying the scenes of my dreams and listening to the breathing of my husband and my puppies. That is until last night.
Ever have a dream where you are being accused of something and it feels like you are on a Salem witch trial? The dream is so vivid, so real. The dream captures you, real life people, real life events. These people are in your realm of reality but, the dream captures them acting out how they actually feel towards you. You can feel their glares, disappointment, condemnation, judgement as you walk through them trying to clear your name. Fingers are pointed, accusing you without knowing the full story. No matter what you do or say, how you plead they still hang you because even if they have openly denied it, deep down they know and have now proven right or wrong blood will prevail.
I spent the end of 2015 cutting ties or amending severed ties to better my quality of life. I was also a hypocrite as I spent time telling y’all to forgive even when the people that hurt you didn’t offer an ounce of remorse and apology and I couldn’t do it myself. In the last two months I stayed cordial, ran through the motions and true emotions because in reality I do love you – its hard not to love someone who was there during your darkest time. But, I didn’t know, until last nights dream how much it really hurt to be dropped, given the boot, expelled and discharged from the once important relationship because of a mistake I made without getting a say.
I should practice what I preach but the dream was so real. I begged forgiveness, on my knees, trying to explain to these people that which was not their lot to know. But, I tried and still stoned to death. Here’s the thing, dream or not I’m still excited for this year. With or without you, if there is anything I learned from 2015 its understanding that I have to do me. I will be able to lie in bed listening to my husband’s breathing, place my hand on his chest and feel his heart beat and know no matter what he chose me. With or without you I know the best view usually comes after the hardest climb. And let me tell you this is a great climb. Put me through my witch trial but in the end, as always, I will rise.