This past week I’ve pushed myself to keep fighting. It hasn’t been easy. Everything in me just wants to curl in a cave and never come out. Sometimes I think it’s easier that way. You don’t have to play pretend like I have all last week and I’m sure will be the same this week. You don’t have to hear the innocent question of “How are you doing today?” My answer of tired allows everyone at work to be content as they see how hard I work. Little do they know.
How are you today? If you’re just tired, I understand. You’re tired of fighting and losing. Tired of being positive and negative. Tired of sleeping and not sleeping. Tired of eating but not actually eating. Tired of having hope and not having hope. Tired of smiling but the meaning is fake. Tired of having a 5 second burst of energy then being exhausted. Tired of being ok but no one actually realizing that you aren’t. Your heart is just tired and you just want, for once, for the world to stop and allow you for a second to just breathe.
What am I saying? I don’t know really. This is probably just one of those blogs that I need to get out into the universe. Everyone thinks I am a strong person. Why do they think I am so strong? I’m assuming it’s because I’m not okay, I’m on the verge of tears and giving up, I’m so very tired and willing to throw in the towel, and people don’t see it, don’t see that I’m actually not ok. They see me as this organized girl who has aspiring dreams and a plan to get there. They see the actress I’ve always wanted to be.
I’m sorry guys. I don’t want this post – or my blog – to become a depression site of morbid thoughts. It has always been my intentions to lift others up in hopes I will be able to lift myself up. And I think I’m great at that, at being positive for others. I don’t know why it’s easy for me to believe in someone else, and I can’t do the same for me. All I know is I’m tired and I’m hanging onto the last thread that is keeping me from falling in the abyss. I haven’t felt alright for such a long time. But, I can do this. I can get out, even if I’m crawling inch by inch because I will prove to my self-conscious that I am in fact the girl that everyone sees.
There is a quote I saw from Victoria Erickson and I’m using it as my silver lining today. She said “If you ever find yourself empty from something you cannot know or name, find a stretch of ocean, a field, or mountainside, or even clouds, or trees. Because there are 1000 simple ways to fill your tired soul so you can remember how to be, how to see, and most importantly, how to breathe.”
No matter how tired I am, Victoria is right, there are simple beauties in the world that can ease my tired soul. This morning it was the sun hitting the snow capped mountain as it rises for a new day. The hawk feeding her young. And the friendly squirrel, I see most mornings as I get out of my car, sitting there on the tree next to my car just watching me and in my brain wishing me a good morning. The simplest things. Step by step to get me over the threshold. Suddenly, just tired can’t hold me down.