It’s been a weird 24 hours. Not weird in a bad, eerie sense. But a humbling sense.
It started off with an article. An article about the need to pay attention to enable healing. The writer talked about being “blocked” with everything in life. It was as if she was my inner self begging to make me hear. I felt the words that she was saying.
I’ve talked so many times about the need to find your happy. To be able to know who you are, even with everything being said around you. To be able to live the life of your choosing through all of your hurts and pains. To be able to find people to support you and cheer you on. What I neglected to realize was there is more to me than all of that.
Sarita talked about taking care of your inner self. That isn’t something I do well. Or at all really. It is always taking care of everyone else. That is what gives me the motivation to take a step every day. But, what about me? Don’t get me wrong I eat better. I exercise. I’m sleeping more. I do things I enjoy. But she said it best when she said, “The soul needs nourishment like the body does.“
Sometimes life gets the best of you. Sometimes you’re doing everything you can possibly do to just stand. Sometimes you take the me time and read a book, grab coffee with a friend, or lounge in the sun in your backyard. But, what about the actual self-care she talks about? The urge to just be. My favorite just be moments are when I’m siting in nature to watch the world live. Watching the butterflies as they flutter across the horizon. Watching the lavenders being used as jumping sticks by the weird looking buggies. Or the way the sun glistens through the pines. Those moments when my body, soul and mind is saying, “God, here I am.” There is more to me then the physical. I need to remember that.
A fellow blogger called me brave and another said my writing is making a difference. Both of which I immediately inwardly balked at but graciously accepted. And that is when I realize, there is more to me then what the world physically sees.
My past isn’t an easy pill to swallow. I know it makes my husband uncomfortable at times with how deeply I share. Side note: Luga, thank you for all of your continued support. You are amazing and I couldn’t do any of this without you. It is quite uncomfortable for me as well. But, here, in this space, I have found a way to be exactly who I am without walls. Maybe it’s because y’all can’t see my face. Maybe it’s because y’all don’t really know me. Maybe because I’ve always been better with words than verbally explaining my feelings. Whatever the reason, my blog has become the world of Pearl. The Pearl I don’t have the courage to be anywhere else.
When I was told I was brave I wanted to cry because what I do here doesn’t often feel brave. I share my darkness with the world that would otherwise be scoffed and judged. As far as having my writing make a difference, I sure hope so. My project would otherwise be insignificant. These bloggers touched me and helped me realize, there is more to me then the person I am to the non-blogosphere.
I jumped onto another project today. Or at least offered to be a part of something truly amazing and special. I think of myself as a coward. I don’t like confrontations. I don’t like to argue, it literally breaks my heart. I hate being mad at someone because I truly want everyone to be happy. Then I realized there is more to me than what I see.
You see, this project will have me taking a stand. A stand against violence and shame. A stand against hate and ridicule. A stand against torment and feeling damaged. A stand that will bring women and men together in unity for healing and love. A stand that will help the hurting and lead them to accept who they are now and not what they were then.
I have struggled all my life to not be a coward. To not be afraid of my shadow. To stand up for me, for people like me, for people who didn’t think they had a voice. For years I allowed the shame of what happened to me dictate the relationships I had. For years I watched as people I loved couldn’t care less about what happened to me. For years I lived in the darkness with just a select few having to live through the difficulties I put them through because they knew what happened. Today, I realized I have a voice. That is more than I ever had.
Look, I won’t deny that I’m afraid of the future. I’m afraid of the unknowns that will happen when I understand the woman God wants me to be. I’m afraid that I will love the person that He changes me to be. And at that same time, I cannot wait because I know there is more to me than the person I am right now.
And there is more to you. xoxo