I have only told one person this and as I lay my head down for much needed rest it happened again. 

A Heartfelt Prayer

Out of nowhere you come at me
Such destruction at your wake
It scares what strengths left in me
How much more until I break?
You hover in dark corners
The recess of my brain I can’t get to
Running through my mind unnoticed
Leaving many unanswered clues
At first it was a car
The destruction it would cause
Blinded into traffic
Enough to give me pause
The knives became a door
To a world I’d leave in pain
The sliver of silver to skin
These thoughts my energy has drained
This final time a gun shot
Straight from my own hand
Dissipating what is left
I can no longer stand
I know not where you come from
Or where you hide in day
Your torment I cannot withstand
I wish you wouldn’t stay
I speak against the darkness
God’s name I whisper in despair
How can I make a difference
I cry a heartfelt prayer


Can anyone hear me?

My body is cold to the core tonight. My hands are shaking uncontrolably, like the rest of my body. Why? Why must mental illness be such a thing? Why?

On the outside I look like any normal person. But, I’m not. I need help. And I’m getting it but these thoughts still torment me. When I least expect it. While driving and enjoying one of my favorite Christian songs. While cutting tape as I affix it to a box. While trying to fall asleep beside my adoring husband.

I keep asking myself how can I bring change to this world when I am so bloody messed up. If they knew what ate me up inside would they still ask for my help? Would they still have open arms to someone as unstable as I? If they knew the darkness that is knocking down my door would they still call me inspriational? Motivational? A gem?

How much longer, Lord? How much longer until I’m free?