I saw a picture of my niece today. She moved back to Hawaii with her mother this year and not a day goes by that I don’t think of how my Hoku is doing. I never told my family but I was broken when she left. The day she boarded the plane I was informed of her leaving after the fact. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to hug her one last time. I never got to tell her how much I loved this precious girl. I understood the circumstances of her leaving but that didn’t make it easier.
The rain is splashing on the rooftops. I can hear the wind carry the sounds of the pitter patter through the complex. I can’t sleep because my mind is racing from the fun that I had at mPact tonight. The rain is beating harder now, washing away the sins of the day. As it does I realize something…
Seeing my niece in that picture didn’t tear me down.
Lightly pinching the cheek of a cute little baby boy didn’t break my heart.
Hearing the name of my son didn’t bring a hiccup to my chest.
Hugging little kiddos as they begged me for one more spin didn’t bring tears to my eyes.
For the last 27 months I have struggled with my infertility. Losing my son was the hardest thing I ever had to endure. Within these 27 months I have wanted to give up so many times so I could just hold my son in my arms. I’ve not hid the pain in my heart from my blog. I’ve not hid the agonizing anger and remorse at being barren. I’ve not hid the realty of the struggle with infertility and what it has done in my life. And I’m glad I didn’t. Because, now, now you get to walk with me through this journey.
I’ve held on to Jackson for so long because I was afraid of letting him go, of forgetting him, of not loving him. I was afraid that if I moved on with my life it would be the greatest disservice to him. I was afraid that being happy meant I didn’t care. Tonight as I had one kiddo hanging onto my arms, another wrapped around my leg, and another pulling my shirt for a spin, I realized how so very selfish I was to believe that. Tonight, I finally realized I am allowing myself to heal.
I’ve finally come to the realization that just because I let go it doesn’t mean I will forget. Just because I move on doesn’t mean I didn’t love him. Just because I smile and laugh doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt. And because I understand that I know that my heart, though it is still a work in progress, is being made new again. My heart is starting to beat to life. Thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump. Thump.
The power of healing has allowed me to live. My lungs can finally take a deep breath. My mind can finally put on the breaks. Though I am healing, life will move on because I am finally choosing to not give up. I know I am still missing the one thing I have always dreamed of. But, I know that should I never get to hold my own baby, God will help me through it.
Think of it this way – I relearned this tonight. If God can fit the whole world in His hands can you imagine how incredible it is that He is big enough for your problems? He has the touch to heal the wounds in your heart. He has the strength to fight the foe. He has the love to conquer my life. I don’t know about you, but, I can use some healing right now.
I don’t know if this is going to someone out there. Or if I just needed to hear it on my own. But, I just need you to know that the doors are being taken care of. You have the strength to be whatever it is that you want to be. You may need to wait a bit more, but the healing process is never immediate. And when you can step back and be humbled knowing that God is teaching your heart to be still, that it when you know God has touched your life, He’s healing you. That, my friends, is a great feeling.
What about you? x0x0