I know a few things about healing. Like for one, how much I hate the process. Two, how long the process can often take. But, when your heart breaks whether it’s from a lost of a loved one, infidelity, a loss of your dream job, being so far away from family, healing can take some time.
One of the reasons I started this month long blog blast was to heal. Ya, I wanted to reach out to help people but I began to write again for me. If no one read my blog, that wouldn’t keep me from writing. Why? In the last three weeks, this blog has kept me. It has helped to continue the healing process. Or, in some cases helped ensure the healing process began.
I was speaking to Jeremy about a certain issue back home that continues to bother me. We talked about how it began and how things are now. It saddened my heart because I realized that the circumstances that supposedly tore things apart may just be an excuse. Sure, it was a beyond unfortunate series of events. It was maddening and gut wrenching when I found out so many years ago. It was agonizing when those events game to light a year ago. But, I think the real thing is that no one got to heal. Heal from those events or the event that brought up this horrific issue. We haven’t healed.
I’m telling you all this because I believe in the power of healing. I have had to face things in my life such as the events that happened that literally tore my entire life apart. I become destructive – to myself and to others. I became hateful. I became a tyrant. I became unlovable. I refused to heal because I didn’t think that I was deserving to heal, to have a life after what had happened. It wasn’t truly that I became unlovable, rather, I felt I was unlovable. It wasn’t until I found a way to heal that I could get passed what had happened to me. When I found a way to heal I understood that I was a victim. I understood that it wasn’t my fault. I understood that it didn’t make me unlovable. I understood that I could be loved. When I understood all of these things, accepted all of these things did I begin to heal my heart, my soul, my mind.
I’m also talking about healing because I know I’m capable of hurting people too. Not intentionally. But, I do. When I began the healing process I had to understand that with healing there comes forgiveness. Even when you really don’t want to you have to. Not for the person that hurt you. But, for you. You can’t heal unless you forgive. The best way to forgive is to communicate. If communicating to the other party is ideal to do so. Even when the issues have become uncomfortable or uneasy to talk about still communicate. One of the best ways of starting the healing process is by just getting everything out. Only then can forgiveness begin as well.
With that said, I know I have done some not so nice things in my life. I know that I have been wrong. I know that I reacted inappropriately. I know I did or said things I didn’t mean in anger. I know that I was just a total b*tch. And, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my words. I’m sorry for my actions. I’m sorry for the feelings in my heart that shouldn’t be there. I’m sorry. If I have hurt anyone I don’t expect you to forgive me. I would like it that you do, but I can’t force you to. But, I need to make amends, for me. For my healing.
The last thing I want is to allow my wounds to turn me into the person I am not. With that said, I’m hoping that letting go of the life I thought I wanted will allow me the real life that is awaiting me. Here is to staying the path of healing and forgiveness.
Enlighten what’s dark in me.
Strengthen what’s weak in me.
Mend what’s broken in me.
Bind what’s bruised in me.
Heal what’s sick in me.
And lastly, revive whatever peace and love has died in me.