As previously recorded I make a lot of mistakes. Some quite small and some quite not so small and then there is everything in between. Some I get so stubborn that I take forever and a day to own up to. Some I immediately say my bad to. But, I’d like to think I always own up to my mistakes.
Like yesterday. I did it. I owned up. Because like I needed to make amends because it was killing me. It didn’t matter who is right or wrong – and I swear to you depending on which one of us you talk to we will say we won. But, that’s neither here nor there because no matter what it’s ok. Talking works. Well to be fair I don’t know if we really talked it out rather wrote it all out. For four flippin’, stinkin’, long butt days. I never want to do that again. Never, ever, ever. Okay you?
All of this to say, I love deep. Since I love deep fighting with the people that matter to me sucks balls. And will take a toll on me. See, everyone that comes into my life that can break down the walls I have surrounding my heart becomes hostage to my charm. They all know that. I have been described as someone with sass, spunk, and charisma. But, what reels people in? My love, loyalty, intellect (ok maybe not that) and my amazing I can take on the world attitude (definitely that).
I can count on one hand the people that really know the real awkward, silent but loud, so much to say, clumsy but coordinated me. Like seriously. And those people? Those are the people l I give all that I have to. Here is a commercial break…
I am not saying everyone else in my life I don’t give my all to. My heart is big (I still doubt that Debbie Fields) so I have the honor of loving so many people. If given the opportunity I will do anything for anyone as long as I know they aren’t using me or as long as they haven’t given me reason to disown them. I have no issue with that. I know that sounds really mean and cruel for someone who just said her heart is big, but like I said, I build walls. If you lie, cheat, steal or damage that wall inhumanely I will (figuratively) crush you.
The thing is, it’s not easy breaking my walls. I don’t like people close. At all. I guess it’s a defense mechanism. I don’t want to be hurt so I guard my heart to the death. The ones that do know me, they can see through this tough girl façade I present to the world. And to you my darling friend, for four days I have missed that.
Owning to my mistakes these last four days have taught me so much. For one, when I’m not having a good time in life my whole store knows it. Sorry Team JB, can I still chalk it up to being hangry? Two, I really do have quite a few friends, but they aren’t as entertaining to bounce crazy off of. Three, venting to anyone that isn’t an OM just isn’t the same. Four, there is no stand ins. Five, committed to be fully committed. Six, relearned the importance of talking. Seven, I truly love ballyhooing for a great cause. Eight, learned to let go. Nine, I still do my own version of noctambulous existence. Ten, while I love me my Gilmore Girls reruns it isn’t fun without my Lorelai. And eleven, even my dogs felt the incongruity.
Anyway, all of that to say we need to understand that we are all humans and we won’t always make the right choice, turn the right direction, climb the right mountain. There will be times that we choose something and we completely and utterly royally screw up. There will be times we think we screwed up and turns out in the long run it was the right decision to have made. Just understand that your so called failure, is not failure. It is not the opposite of your success. Your so called failure is the stepping stone to the greater plan. It is a part of your success. So, own up to your mistakes. Be proud of the scar it leaves because it taught you something. Most importantly? Don’t push away the people who will catch you when you do make mistakes. They are the ones that will clean that cut of yours and be your helping hand until you can stand on your own.