Saturday was the end of my 30-day blog blast. I haven’t written since. And, I miss it. A lot. Writing, good or bad, is who I am. So, here I am again writing. There have been so many things that have happened. Not just in the last four days. Just life. How does life always seem to happen?
Lately I’ve been just sitting around just not understanding life. I received a picture that said, “Stay up late, get up early, keep going until the lack of sleep causes an emotional breakdown that sends you spiraling into a dark abyss.” I laughed at it at first because it is so true. Then as I reread it I could see me. You see, for the last few weeks I haven’t been sleeping. Like 3-4 hours a night. It has taken a toll on me. In the morning I pretend I’m sleeping but when my husband leaves for the day I am fully awake. But, it isn’t like awake where it is time to start my day; I mean it is 430 in the bloody morning. Rather, an awake where I am up but I can’t seem to muster up the energy or courage to get out of bed. When I finally do, I realize that life is just a repetitive action: wake up, get ready, go to work, come home, sleep. Over and over and over again. But, I can’t help it. I feel nothing. And it’s growing dark.
Depression is a scary thing. Today someone close to me posted that “a lot of times, depression is really just anger turned inward and pushed down.” At first I disagreed. If anyone should understand me, understand my depression it should have been this person. But, as I sat there rereading what was posted I realized it is true. It isn’t necessarily anger towards someone else. In my case, its anger toward myself. Anger at myself for things I should have done, should have said, should have been. So, how do I fix that? How do I take a hold of my anger, my depression and become something, someone again? How do I take hold of my life again?
Here is a great list I found. I can’t tell you I am completely following it. By completely I mean I’m like following half of the first bullet. But, I know if given the chance following this list could help me walk out of this.
- Begin the healing journey – recognize your feelings of depression and seek help
- Be heard – talking about it can be better than medication
- Meditate – connect to the part of your life that isn’t depressed and draw your positive energy there
- Be active – exercise, yoga, swimming. Anything to find that balance.
- Understand your reactions – take your self-defeating responses and turn them into positive alternatives
- Manage your diet – ditch the junk food and go for fresh fruits and veggies, nuts and salmon. Yum on the salmon btw. I got great recipes.
- Love yourself – accept who you are and what you can be
This list is harder to do then it seems. But, I’m determined to at least try. Will you try with me? If not for you, for me. I need all the support I can get.