A friend told me the other day that it had to be something big for me to leave work. When I “called out” yesterday I thought back on her “you forget I know you” comment and realized it is something big.
It’s been an emotional battle for me lately. The end of June was rough. The beginning of July seems to be tougher. I am in a constant state of emotions that take me near the verge of crying uncontrollably. I spend most of my time wishing I was home in the arms of my husband. I try to avoid any outside social engagements at all costs. I can feel the heaviness of depression knocking on my door. The darkness of loneliness that I have to constantly battle.
I needed something to ease my mind so I browsed the blog-osphere yesterday and came across a post about how God understands us during our toughest times, or even when we don’t even know what we are getting ourselves into yet.
I was reminded that no matter how heavy things are getting, no matter how dark, no matter how lonely, no matter how frightened, God understands what I need and when I need it. The post helped me to remember where I have come from. Of how hard but worth the struggle it has been to be where I am. I remember as a teenager, during my darkest times in life, God never forgot me. He made promises then that He continues to keep today:
When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Every dark turn, every deep hole, every enemy that raised their sword against me God had sheltered me and protected me. Just a week ago, I had intended to leave my work at 1030a. I decided to leave at 1020a. It wasn’t until I was heading back to work I understood why. Had I left ten minutes later I would probably have been a part of a 8 car pile up that involved a semi and the jaws of life on multiple vehicles. God has always been there even when I didn’t even know it.
Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’
or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
For after all these things the Gentiles seek.
For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
It has been a rocky road with medical bills flowing out of our ears. Pride has made me not seek help because I have always been able to do it on my own. And by the grace of God, when I stood in faith and opened my mouth an out pouring of blessing came our way. I just needed the faith that God would pull us through.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
I have a problem when everything is going good I put God third in my life. When things get rough He shines brighter than a Police Department issued flashlight. When I trust Him, no matter how hard things get, things always fall into place.
So, here I am, completely bare wanting nothing but God’s grace and forgiveness on my life. My dream is to write. God has blessed me with the passion to help others. Putting them together seems like a given. As I continue on my path in following my dreams I am excited for what is in store. Maybe I will find forgiveness and love for myself along the way? Maybe I will find forgiveness and grace for those who have hurt me? And maybe, quite possibly, the woman that God sees me to be, I can be?
Whatever the path I have chosen I hope to be able to be the light in the darkness that people need. I hope to be able to serve them with love and compassion so that they can see that God, even if we can’t see Him, is right there, standing beside us, sheltering us from harm if we let Him.
Maybe its time to turn on my light? xoxo