I’ve never really addressed you. I always skirt around what you do to me. I always pretend that I am ok. After all, I am a fighter, is that not what fighters do? I always try to put band aids on the wounds instead of giving it the attention that it is due. I think it is time to stop beating around the bush and acknowledge you in my life.
Dear My Depression,
You are like the elusive serial killer. We know you are there but you are well camouflaged in the greenery of every day life that we cannot see you. Even our best detective skills, our best consultants can’t find you. You hide behind the natural and prescribed medication. You hide behind the light waiting for your chance to pounce and squander it. We can recognize your MO scattered through the remnants of our home. And yet we have yet to win this war.
I have tried to talk to you many times. Unfortunately, I have never been good with verbally expressing my feelings so my words fall on deaf ears. I have tried to ignore you, but you are like the pesky baby brother that finds ways to annoy me. So, here I am writing to you. I have always been better with written words. Maybe, maybe now you will listen and take heed.
I don’t remember when you first started to hunt me. Or haunt me. We have gone face to face in battle many times. You with your ax. Me with my sword. We dance around each other measuring each other up finding weaknesses in each other’s armor. Some days you win, most days I do. Most days I bask in the sun, kneeling on the battlefield watching you retreat, thanking God for another win.
I know I tell my husband I want more friends. But, you M.D., you are not a friend I need. You come at me only when you need to take away what I have worked so hard to accomplish. Your goal is to strip me from all happiness. Even as minute as enjoying a cone of ice cream. You knock on my door when I least expect it. You have robbed me of life’s joys and it isn’t fair to me or those who love me and want to be a part of my life.
I accept you in my life as the scum that you are. You may always try to defeat me. You will always try to let me lose hope, lose faith, lose my will to fight, to live. But, M.D., you think you have define me, define who I am, but you don’t. Your dark clouds that hover over my soul, my mind, my heart, does not define who I am. I define who I am. And I am a woman of God. I am a wife falling in love with her husband. I am a daughter who cherishes her parents. I am an aunty that dotes on her precious nieces and nephews. I am a loyal friend who loves to laugh.
You. Will. Not. Defeat. Me.
Like you did this morning, awakening me in tears, I took the steps necessary to take care of me. I allowed myself to cry. Talked about it. And while my heart is still heavy, you have not won the battle. Though some days will be harder to win, I send you notice now. The hunter will become the hunted. You have failed to realize one thing, M.D., I am a fighter. A gem. I am strong and become stronger with each adversity. You didn’t see the power you were giving me. You didn’t see the strength God armored me with. You didn’t see the prayer warriors behind my wall of shields.
Every day that passes and we go to battle your camouflage is lightened. Your shield is weakened. Your ax begins to dull.
Every day that passes and we go to battle my strength is renewed. My heart heals a little more. My mind can see a little more over the dust.
Every day that passes and we go to battle the sun breaks through a little more of your darkness. Your voice grows softer. Your hold is loosened.
Every day that passes and we go to battle God restores my faith. God holds my hand. God loves me through it.
And every day that passes and we go to battle, I will prove to you, M.D., that you do not have a hold on me. I will defeat you. I will conquer you. I will take back what is rightfully mine as a child of God. I will stand straddling the carcass of my depression and wave my glory flag, my flag of triumph. You will not hold me down. Though it may get dark and heavy, though I may not be able to see through my darkness at all times, though, like today, I may become paralyzed you have not won. Because I know Who has and I cling to the fact that because He has so have I.
Let us battle. xoxo