I think the motto for the next few years of my life is growth and healing. This will probably be the hardest healing but I know that it’s time. It is time to let go of the hurt and grow into someone who my Jackson would be proud to call mom. And so, today, my dear boy, as we should be celebrating your second birthday I leave you with this.
My Dearest Jackson,
A friend of mine is pregnant. And it didn’t hurt. A friend of mine is a surrogate and it didn’t hurt. I have friends with infants and I love to hold and play with them. And it doesn’t hurt. Mama and Daddy have decided to adopt and, my sweet boy, it doesn’t hurt.
I never thought I’d get to a place in life that the near thought of losing you wouldn’t rip open my broken heart. I never thought I would be able to move on. You were supposed to be the miracle we were waiting for. The one God promised. We were expecting to be able to share your first smile, first laugh, first word. We wanted to see you crawl and take your first step, celebrate your first birthday, walk you into your first day of class. We had dreams of celebrating your milestones, your awards, and cheering you at every game. We wanted to share your first dance, your first kiss, your first date. We were excited to share in your kindergarten graduation, your high school graduation, and walk the line in college as you become the man you chose to be. We were excited to share every Christmas, create memories during the summer, and explaining why God is God.
We love you dear boy, but we know it is time. Time for a clean and fresh start. Time for your daddy and I to hold on to each other and take the leap of healing and forgiveness. I spent so much time hating myself because I couldn’t protect you. That was my sole job. As your mother I was there to protect you. I thought I did. I was able to feel you grow in me through the first trimester and I was sure I did my job. I hated myself because I can still remember the day I knew you went home to be with your brothers and sisters and there was nothing I could do about it. I hated myself because I was left here without you.
And then, we fell on our knees and let God take control. And, look at us now, Jax. We are a family, your daddy and I. There isn’t division. We love each other. Everything that we built is no longer broken. And the greatest thing about all this? We are working to bring a little one home to us. Tomorrow we officially start the process, our first day of training. Daddy always said that I could love a child through the foster system as much as I loved you. And, while it took nearly three years he was right. There is a bounce in my step. I will talk with whoever wants to listen about what we want to do for the adoption. We are preparing the home. We are preparing our minds. We are getting our finances in control. We are incredibly excited for the opportunity to bring a little one into this home to love. My favorite part about this? Even if each placement will not be our forever little one, I get to love them will all of the love they need for the moment. Just like when I needed it. Jax, it is going to be incredible.
I hope you are well and giving Gramps, Nana, Mama, Papa Mert, Papa Russell, Grandma and Grandpa a run for their money. Love on your brothers and sisters for us. We love you, dear boy. Thank you for teaching us how to go back to basics and right our ship.
With all of our love,
Mama and Daddy