I watch the leaves fall down through my window. My sun pocket has withdrawn itself from me. The days are still long, winter still kisses my cheeks. Memories of happier days entice me once more, but alas, I know the once colorful red and gold leaves of autumn have instead turned into lifeless statues of itself. I miss my sun shimmering on my shoulders where it taught me so much.
I walk to the river, a part of my past I thought I would never get away from. Where is the sun that took away the pain of the cold? The ice cold water of winter stands still like the lifeless trees that once held autumn. The truth is, the river and the sun have warmed me but it is the sun, the first thing I’ve allowed to warm my heart and soul in a long time, that made history. Something I wish to repeat but will never get the chance.
I pick up a rock and try to skip it across the water. The thack, thack, thack of the stone reminds me that the winter’s song continues. The wind picks up challenging me. Questioning me. Why? Why not? How much? When? Wind, how can you ask questions where you do not belong asking? The rock will eventually find a crack and sink to the bottom of the cold river that not even the summer days to come can warm again.
My winter soul feels so alone. Falling, tripping over the rocks. Looking for the sun, one of my most favorite things. Lie to me sun, lie and tell me that you will come back to me. Lie and I will tell you the desires of my heart. Warm me like you’ve done before. Shall I call you, sun, and awkwardly tell you of the time the palm trees swayed and the sand was scorched by your rays? How you would warm the ocean as it hit my heated body? Lie to me sun, I can handle it. I’ve done it before.
I get closer to the harbor as I follow the light that begins to hide behind the clouds. The water baxters noisily make room for each other below. The water doesn’t bother them like it chilled me. Their skins toughened by winter’s fingers. I listen to them complain to each other and look up for you. And there you are peaking behind the clouds. As if you stretch out your hands to me asking me to come. But, in reality you keep your hand far enough that you are still within reach but not.
You fooled me. Fooled me in believing you love to tan my cheeks, my back, my body. Wrap me in your arms sun and make me drunk with your heat again. Let your rays intoxicate me that slurring my words is music to your ears. Do not declare your love for me when your rays cannot reach me. Bring back the summer sun. Where skipping rocks brought an echo of laughter instead of the thacking of ice. I know you know, sun, of my complete irrevocable adoration to your warmth. And yet, you refuse to end this winter.
Sometimes sun, sometimes one cannot choose just one because it isn’t in them to do so. Sometimes sun, one chooses two because it is two that makes them happy. I cannot choose. For I choose spring and summer. Flowers and weeds. For I choose rain and rainbows. Plant and bloom. For I choose you sun. And I choose the moon too. I choose you both because it’s easy to love warmth and eternity. I choose happiness and tranquility. Why can you not see, sun, during the winter you can choose two. Come out with me, warm my lips, my fingers, my heart. Then, allow the moon to tickle me too.
You alway said sun to always remember that life is always rocky when you’re a gem. It is. It’s got even rockier with your goodbye. xoxo
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