Two years.

For 12 years I have struggled with infertility. Because of infertility this is what I know:

  • It is a silent struggle
  • It is not an inconvenience, it is an actual disease
  • It is too taboo for others to talk to you
  • We are “supposed” to be over joyed for everyone else
  • Men suffer too
  • It can damage a relationship
  • It can make a relationship stronger
  • PCOS and other health issues make things harder
  • Support groups are good to go to, even virtually
  • Your infertility does not define you

Occasionally when I pass a park I watch children being carefree with their day and my heart hurts for the babies I have lost. In my early twenties when my friends were having babies left and right and there seemed to be one baby shower every single month it would hurt. After awhile I would make excuses why I couldn’t go. No one knew the struggles my husband and I were having. No one knew just the invite killed my soul. No one knew that while I was happy for them my life was being ripped to shreds because the only thing I have ever wanted only left my arms empty.

Two years ago today after finally hitting the second trimester stage and being “safe” I lost my baby. The baby that was different. The baby that brought me hope. The baby that was going to fix my marriage. The baby that was going to fix me. The baby that would fill my heart. Three weeks prior to the 21st we were okay, happy, growing, showing, glowing, sharing. And then, just like that, in the blink of an eye God said my baby needed to come home.

On July 21, 2014 my baby went home. For you Jackson:

THIS DAY IN JULY

It has been two years
Since you have gone away
I still can feel you say goodbye
As my tears they drop today.
So much has happened in two years
You’ve forced me to find my way.
To find myself to be complete
A woman in Christ I pray.

Two years ago I felt such loss
Depression came and took hold
Losing you has been a struggle
The pain no one could have foretold.
But since you have went home
I’ve grown stronger and controlled.
We struggle but we get up
Our way of thinking we’ve remold.

I can feel your kisses with rain drops
Your hugs within the wind’s breeze
I hear your laughter in the songs
That the blue jays sing with ease.
I see your love comfort as the sun rises
Lighting the world as you please.
The rustling trees, the crickets chirp
The sweet smell of the honey bees.

As the sun warms my back
The music of children can be witnessed
I watch the rabbits mosey on about
The humming of the birds in the distance
I think of you in all those things
As I hear you ask for forgiveness
Not for yourself, but for me
That I may be whole and not diminished.

You have helped me change my world
Oh son, you have brought on this dawn
I’m writing more then ever now
An adventure I continue to take on
Daddy and I are learning to once again laugh
As we grow in God, we’re no longer withdrawn.
We are finding our happy, a way to let go
We only wish, dear boy, you were here and not gone.

Thank you my dear Jackson
For the memories of you and I
Know that I miss you so much
And wish I could understand why
Until we meet again in my heart I hold you close
I stand and smile up at you flying in the sky
We love you, baby, and honor you today
As we do every year on this day in July.

I don’t know if the pain will ever go away. I remember when we first lost him the dream I had. It was his first birthday, and he held out his hand and smiled up to me, just like the only picture I have of him. And every dream since, he is that little boy, looking up at me, reassuring me it will be okay.

Today, while I miss my baby I want to shower all of you – men and women – who have suffered the loss of one, two, five, ten babies with love. It isn’t easy. It isn’t fair. But, oh my friends, even miracles take a little time.

With love. xoxo