It wasn’t a good night. I spent much of the night tossing or turning or refusing to sleep in fear it would all come back. On a Sunday, this is not how I intended things to work out. This is not what I had envisioned the picture I’d paint for you all on today’s blog.
Seventeen years. Put that in perspective.
I wrote this poem after maybe the fifth time awakening from the same nightmare. For some, this is not a topic that people want shared or talked about. But I am beginning to realize that by sharing some of my story – albeit in a poem that says nothing but the need to move on – I may, just possibly, hopefully, be a light to someone who needs someone to understand.
It’s been a while since you’ve knocked
The eery tap tap tap on my door
I can recognize you from memory
The chilliness down to my core
I can only watch in torment
Of the characters playing their part
I can feel the heavy breathing
And the pounding of my heart.
I can feel the chase begin
As my feet can’t carry me through
The grab of my shoulder
Realizing the monster I already knew.
Your smile is deep like the ocean
Your eyes dark as the night
Your grip strengthens each second
As I lose the will to fight.
Your sneer is demonic
Derisive, scorned with ill contempt
My body begins to shake in fear
You weren’t gonna let me forget.
Your scent will never slip from memory
Nor the promises you told
Of loving ever after
Or the warmth from the cold.
You let yourself into my home
With the wind and murk at your back
I try to hide and silence the fright
Guarding and preparing for the attack.
I hear you call out my name
I hear your footsteps in the hall
The shake of every doorknob
The knife sliding on the wall.
Can you hear the cringing
Of the emotions you have brought
Of the dormant loathing and revulsion
The stolen innocence you have sought.
You find me hiding in a corner
And brutally take what’s left of me
As I awaken from my slumber
Unable to be set free
I can feel myself tremble
As cold sweat runs down my spine
Too debilitated to move
Of what is left of mine.
I lie awake just wondering
If this will ever end
These nightmarish memories
Struggling as they descend.
I wish one day I could forget
All the damage you have done
To triturate all the nightmares
To one day not have to run.
When I am going through a night like last night I often go back to a letter I found online. It is a letter written in a man’s perspective and I couldn’t tell you enough how much it helps me get through the thoughts I hate having. If you are a victim of sexual assault I encourage you to read what Sam writes. It has helped me.
I am not sure if I am doing this for anyone out there today or if I just needed to get it out in the cosmos. But, if I am speaking to you today know that what happened isn’t your fault. You aren’t to blame. I wish I could explain the nightmares and why they won’t leave. But, I can’t. Just know that you are not alone. Others have endured what you have gone through and we stand in the darkness with you.
With all of my love. xoxo