Last year I wrote an open letter to the loved ones of the depressed and anxious. On a day like today I want to do everything I can to help and so here I am again. It has been a year since that open letter and it still touches me. It touches me because it was one of the most open posts I had written that started to bring the walls down on my blog. It has been a year that has seen so much hurt, anguish, love, laughter, tears and heartache. It has been a year of learning and truth. It has been a year of finding myself. Through all the darkness I sought the sun’s rays. And that means more than anything.
Dear Depressed and Anxious,
You don’t have to tell me how you feel. Nor do you have to have a wall up to pretend you feel the way you believe society wants you to feel. All I want you to be with me is you. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re angry, be angry. If you are lonely, be lonely. The only thing I ask, the only thing I don’t want is for you to give up.
I’ve been sad too. I’ve been angry as well. I’ve spent days alone with people around me. I’ve sought ways to give up. I have been in your shoes. I have been trapped in the night. But, I want you to know it ends. The scary parts of being under the water ends. You can stop drowning, I did.
My friend, I was never always “like this.” I used to love being the bell of the party. I used to hang out with friends, go out in public. I could laugh and love and be full of joy. I lived my life following my passions. Somewhere I began to cry myself to sleep because nothing was ever right. My heart was so full but so empty. My mind raced on an unending track. I couldn’t see past the fog. I couldn’t feel past my arms. I was afraid of how clouded and comfortless I was.
I believe that the only reason I got out, the only reason I found a way to swim was because I was open about how I felt. I found people who loved me, who I could trust and was able to be real to them. I began to slowly talk to them about how black my heart felt. I began to slowly open up to them. I began to break down the walls. It was scary at first. It wasn’t something I thought I could do. But, the more I did it the more it felt right. I’m not trying to brownnose my loved ones. But, had they given up on me I would have given up on myself.
I’m not telling you this because I think I’m better than you. Or anyone. I was going through an existential crisis and needed multiple hands to pull me out. God blessed me with some amazing friends who knew what I needed when I needed it. They made me realize I was not alone. And so, dear D&A, I want you to know that you are not alone through any of this. Ever.
I may not personally know you. But, being depressed and anxious we share a kinship. We understand each other. I still have bouts. There are times when my mind is crippled, when my body freezes, when nothing in life feels right. But, that’s when in my troubled waters God sends me a loved one to help me out. If you ever need someone to grab your hand, I am right here.
Another Depressed and Anxious
I don’t know if what I said will help anyone. But, just remember, strength grows in the moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway. You are a fighter, always keep fighting. Stay the path and take a breath.
Praying for healing and comfort. xoxo